My Latest MLP/Journey to the West Crossover Fic

From Chinese Viagra Ombudsman, 8 Years ago, written in Venderant Nalaberong, viewed 1'247 times.
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  1. I dunno how I managed to miss this thread, but I'm an old school FPS fan and recently I've been playing a bunch of them bit by bit, they're nice cause you can just drop in and have a good time you don't have to spend too long watching cutscenes or worry about story.
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  3. Apart from Hexen. I do not like Hexen.
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  5. Heretic was my first ever FPS. It was awesome. My parents let me play it and not doom because doom had real guns and you shot people in it. The closest heretic got to people was yellow michelin men full of ghosts. But Heretic was and is pretty great, nostalgia aside.
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  7. Naturally I was just super jazzed when my dad got Hexen. It was like Heretic, but it had all this crazy new shit. Open world! New monsters! Three roided up todd mcfarlane badasses to choose from! Powerups out the ass!
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  9. I thought it was awesome at the time, mostly cause I just cheated and warped around the levels, but playing it again now, all that stuff is the reason it sucks.
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  11. Hexen is not gritty, it is just ugly. Quake gets shit for being brown. Brown is a feature Quake lifted shamelessly from Hexen and ruined with the occassioanl brightly lit section. Hexen is muddy, foggy, dim, not even as interesting as dark. When I was a kid I found the game a little unsettling, I thought this was because of the scarier monsters and hanging corpses, but no. The game was just giving me seasonal depression. The art style is like something a van-airbrusher or metal album cover artist did in their off time using the colours they had left after they had used up all the colours that make people feel excitement.
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  13. The class system sucks too. More choice! More playstyles! No. 4 weapons per playthrough. Fuck you. And if the repetition of using 1 or 2 weapons all the time wasn't bad enough, those weapons suck.
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  15. The fighter's weapons suck. He doesn't get a ranged weapon till episode 2, so his extra health is offset by all the getting hit in the face he does. That ranged weapon being the hammer bros hammer from mario. Which I guess is cool. His ultimate weapon is a sword. A sword that you aren't even allowed to hit people with. It shoots green shit in a big wave, I guess because it's magic.
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  17. The mage's default grandma brooch is his best weapon, which means you'll spend ages plinking away with the most boring effect in history. His ultimate incorporates the exciting design elements of redness and skulls but its main power is using all your mana to shoot stupid fire grappling hooks into the wall either side of your enemy.
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  19. The cleric gets the best weapons, but they make no sense. A snake staff? I've not been to church many times but I've seen at least half of Witchfinder General and there was no snake staff in that. And Witchfinder General was awesome. His second weapon is I guess a spell the mage didn't really want. It doesn't even shoot holy beams out. Just basic fire. His ultimate is extremely rad however because it is a heavy metal crucifix that shoots ghosts. Angry ghosts with a lust for wrecking dudes. Sometimes they even turn around and wreck you. But you will never get to use it because it uses too much mana.
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  21. The hub system is terrible. Maybe it's just me. Maybe at the time there were a hell of a lot of dudes writing in to Raven saying "Heretic was AWESOME but what would really kick it OFF THE CHAIN (it was the 90s) is if you had to revisit each level three times to unlock one extra room with 3 imps in and a switch you will not see.". But that's what most of the game is. They don't even tell you what the switches have unlocked. You just have to blunder about. The levels are shit too. Nobody wants to go to a cave once, never mind three times. It's not even a cool cave with like, lava and skeletons and a hidden demon temple. It's just a regular cave. The monsters all wear northface clothes and want to talk to you about stalactites and quartz.
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  23. I guess to themeatically mirror the weapons, the enemies are shit too. There are like 5 of them and at least three of them are lifted from Heretic and made less fun. I guess they still had some shitty mechanics left over after they were done converting the Heretic monsters so the main other new monster is a fleshy centaur looking thing that blocks for like 2 seconds straight every time you hit them. It takes two hits to kill them of almost any weapon, so killing them is like being a cashier waiting for a senior citizen to find something in their purse then put it away again. There are 100 of them in every level and they all queue up behind the one that is currently wasting your time. Again like old people at a checkout.
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  25. That is the whole game. Killing inconvenient, boring enemies with inconvenient, boring weapons to find a switch nobody gives a fuck about.
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  27. This post came out way spergier than intended so I guess i'll be chased out of here being whipped with model trains, but seriously fuck Hexen.
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  29.  
  30.  
  31. Wait hold up I knew there was something I forgot to talk about :
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  33. Hexen's powerups. They are bad.
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  35. A lot of them are from Heretic. Heretic was a good game. Being able to hold on to powerups to use later was cool. Most of them were just the powerups from doom reskinned, but the real deal was the Tome of Power. The Tome of Power was cool as hell. It made whatever weapon massively powerful and changed what it did, it was like a berserk pack for every weapon. The kickass skull plasma rifle started firing red rain clouds that killed whatever was under it. The gold rocket launcher bird stick became a flamethrower. It made every weapon into two weapons and that was really awesome.
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  37. What could Hexen, with its 4 weapons per character, really use? Something that could effectively double that weapon count?
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  39. Nope. More Quartz Flasks. Quartz Flasks are purple flasks that give you health. Pretty useful yeah. They weren't that common in Heretic but in Hexen you can get like 40 of them no problem. I guess they had to cause the hub design meant they couldn't do regular health pickups cause you'd get them all when you first went through the shitty level, then be fucked when you went back to and a room full of bullet hell wizards or green versions of that devil guy from spawn opened up. But with quartz flasks you could just hammer enter and your dude would chug five and you could just heal through the barrage while backing down an extremely narrow corridor that makes it impossible to dodge projectiles. Making fuck you traps more survivable means you can use more of them instead of appealing, fair level design elements.
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  41. The other main thing was flechettes. Now in the real world a flechette is kind of a dart thing, but in Hexen they are bottles of green shit. They work differently for each class. The fighter uses them as extremely bouncy grenades that bounce off scenery and explode on his own face, the mage uses them as the timebomb from Heretic, and the cleric has them explode into a gas cloud. This gas cloud is great because it traps enemies in pain animations and lasts forever, so you can trap the annoying centaurs and spend 20 seconds watching them die while machinegun grunting. If you trap a couple of them in a cloud anyone passing will think your computer has locked up while you were watching gay porn.
  42.  
  43. Then there was some kind of gold coaster that moved every monster back 3 feet, another thing that teleported you back to the start of the level because I guess even the designers realised that backtracking is boring as fuck. Also boots of speed that made you move so fast you fell off a ledge, a pig version of the chicken-polymorph egg from heretic, and a small statue of a minotaur that you throw out and it stays as a small statue of a minotaur. Sometimes it will turn into an extremely unhelpful minotaur that kills enemies much slower than you would and also hits you with friendly fire.
  44.  
  45. Fuck Hexen's powerups.

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